Monthly Archives: October 2001

I’m going to be very depressed if none of the kids in this neighborhood trick or treat tonight. I have finally gotten into the Halloween spirit even if the blazing sun withered poor sweet Carl. Stupid sun. But it’s getting cloudy and they swear, swear, swear there is a cold front coming in. And even though I missed the Great Pumpkin this year, I still got into the mood. I did decide against “scary” this year, another year the cowl did not get used. I opted instead for a witchy costume. But it’s been dark a half an hour and no one yet…

BTW, King of the Hill is hilarious tonight. Poor Bobby being diagnosed with ADD.

In other news, no one knows anything about our former Ultimate Frisbee captain. He’s dropped from all the message boards and JT can’t reach him on the phone. That worries me.

I have gotten very little done today.

I went to sleep last night hoping today would be Sunday. It didn’t work. It’s still rotten Monday.

Eric’s considering taking Thursday off. I hope he does. I’d like to have him home. I don’t know why. Probably just PMS speaking. He still has four days Motorola ‘owes’ him because they forced him to take a week of vacation at the June, but he couldn’t actually take days off then. Instead he took them off on paper and worked.

I want to curl up and be cozy. It’s too hot for that. As I was walking back from Target, I couldn’t help but think again that my name is not written in this land, this desert. I felt very alien all of a sudden. You might as well put a second sun in the sky and take away the moon. I couldn’t feel more misplaced.

Other random thought I’ve been wanting to put words to: People, women especially, say, “Oh how I wish someone would love me for me!” But do we really mean it? Do we even know what we’re talking about? Eric and I were talking Friday or Saturday night and the topic of attraction reoccurred. It was sparked off by a radio commercial that said, “If you’re beautiful, men will do anything for you.” I rolled my eyes and wished it wasn’t true though I know better. But conversation bent around to the fact that while Eric does not find me ugly physically, he does not find me beautiful either. Truly, he loves me for what is on the inside. “Just think, when you’re all craggy, I’ll still think the same of you!” he said, hoping to make me feel better about it all. Really, the fact disappoints me in some ways, and also terrorizes me. He loves me for me? But gawd, I’m not engineer-smart, I’m moody and depressive, I’m undisciplined, I’m often lazy and stubborn. Why does he love that? How can he? And then he put it another way. “If Chris’ personality were in a body acceptable to you, would you be with him instead of me?” You see, Chris, from the second grade on, had a crush on me, on my looks, my red hair and later my curves. I’ve never found him very attractive because he too is a red-head, but it was his personality that was even less enticing to me. Yes, he thought I was good-looking. He wanted me physically. I know this for a fact. But he was never interested in the parts of me that were important to me. My writing, my family, any portion of my life that did not revolve around my looks, he didn’t care for. So no, I would trade the way Eric sees me for how Chris sees me. But still. Love and attraction are so intermingled in our culture. Though we ask for it, someone loving the ‘inner beauty’ (such a cheesey term) is akin to a fable, unreal.

I will now finish updating campaign timelines.

It’s been a subdued, slightly morose day.

I carved Carl this morning. We decided on a fearsome, vampy look. And he even has a nose! I spent the rest of the afternoon baking pumpkin seeds, eating pumpkin seeds (and corndogs), and doing some pre-weekend cleaning. I even exercised. But right now I’m avoiding working on my campaign. I’m just not in the mood. Eventually I’ll get to it, I suppose. No work on Marie. I need two scenes before the big battle, but I need to work some things out with my technical advisor (Eric) first.

We won last night, though it wasn’t a pretty win. I had some poaching and a bad drop/lack of recovery early in the game which just made me pissed at myself and the other team. So then I played. The girls from Tuesday practices remember me… as being a rather poor player. They underestimate me and that’s their fault. I’m not looking forward to going back to Tuesday practices. I just don’t get along with my own sex very well.

Maybe I’m just feeling zapped because there are some people in my life facing some problems, and I do not have any help to give. There are some things I will not give advice on. These are things that I do not know about, and things that are too important for an easy answer to be given to by someone like me. And I feel guilty that in some things I have been lucky enough not to have experience to draw from.

Heaven, thy name is Hawiian Nut Beef. All this wonderful garlic and ginger and green onions. Oh the things I missed out on in the first eighteen years of my life. My family is determined to eat very bland food.

Done working for the day. I think I’ve solved my problems, but now I need some direction on where to go next. I anticipate my shower tomorrow. Surely my epiphany will strike then.

Now I wait to go to our frisbee game. We play Avery’s team tonight. They are 5-1, we are 3-3. Should be interesting. I’m ready to go kick some arse.

Gotta admit, I’m not a baseball fan. I’m not even a “home” team fan (still a Nebraska sports fan), but it’s kinda cool having a team in the World Series. Don’t get me wrong though. I’m watching the Nebraska-Oklahoma football game Saturday.

Okay. Rewrites done. Now, how do I want to do this part. I must keep myself from dredging up the same stuff again and again.

As this scene opens: Marie is still angry at how shunned she is. She’s not sorry for what she has done, but she doesn’t want any more trouble for her family. She has come to realize that she is helpless in the situation. She doesn’t like that feeling. She does realize that Neltiar might be her solution, but fears that she would not have the opportunity.

Now. The thing is this: There’s a conflict between Marie not wanting to cause anymore trouble and wanting to DO something. (I know the answer to this:) If Neltiar give her the opportunity to DO something, does she take it? My problem is making the YES answer plausible. What can I do to make the situation seem so desperate that Marie will do it? She’s worried, yes, about Michael, about Philip, about her father. But how firmly has she decided to be the picture of the ‘good’ woman? If I know Marie, not very firm on that point because there is that little part of her that will always want adventure. I think Neltiar will have to impress upon her that he needs her, that he will not be able to do it alone, and that his participation is imperative. He will have to convince her, at least a little.

So. Where do I start this scene? Marie is at her darkest I think. She is sure there is nothing she can do but wait. She has no clue what has happened with Neltiar. I really would like to do this scene from someone other than Marie’s POV, but I can’t do it from Neltiar’s so there’s no other choice. Tilly would be great, but it would require bringing Tilly along as far as Havenstone. That’s unrealistic. Forced. Hrmph. So where? Where do I begin?

And how do I keep myself from going to the ‘fridge for chocolate while I think?

oooo… changed too…
All I want to do is fiddle with my web pages. I don’t need a stupid navigation device for the whole of ivillage on the side. It’s just taking up space.
*great gnashing of teeth*