Like this:

Our temperatures are currently above average.  It was 105 yesterday.  Earlier today I thought to myself, “This isn’t too bad.  Summer here I come!”  Silly, silly me.  I haven’t gotten shit done today and it’s because my brain doesn’t work.  I’m just hot, and head-achy, and annoyed.  I’ve felt best when sitting in a bath and with a cold pack on my eyes.  Forget about buying a new monitor or bookshelves.  I’m going to be spending all our money on air conditioning.

On to scene that needs witty, amazingly illustrative rewrite.  And for once, it was I that realized it needed a witty, amazingly illustrative rewrite.  Damn me.